In marriage counseling infidelity is addressed through the facilitation of forgiveness rather than any attempt to encourage forgetting. Infidelity can be forgiven but it is not realistic to expect a spouse to ever forget the affliction.
Although marriage counseling can help with reconciliation it is still better to prevent infidelity by intercepting it before the adulterous partner gets too involved. The sooner infidelity is intercepted, the easier the process of recovery will be.
Marriage counseling and signs of infidelity
Marriage counseling is not just about reconciliation as a marriage counselor can also assist a spouse with identifying behaviors that are most commonly associated with infidelity. One of the most common of which is a sudden and a drastic change in the self-image of the adulterous partner, where the partner becomes overly self-conscious of personal appearance and hygiene. The next most common signs of infidelity is the unexpected absences, which are often justified as work related or socializing with friends. These signs are also always accompanied by a behavioral change towards the partner. These changes could be either overly affectionate or extremely hostile and resentful in nature,
depending on intentions of the adulterous partner and the feelings of guilt. Loss of sexual drive is also a very common sign in adulterous men, brought about by both physical and psychological factors. Once these behavioural abnormalities have become apparent, it then becomes necessary to substantiate them irrefutably. Unusual and excessive financial transactions are often a good indication that something is wrong. Bank and credit card statements are usually useful tools in determining when and where the affair took place. Another common sign that adultery may be at foot is the excessive phone calls or cyber chats that are often conducted in secrecy or with extreme apprehension (such as leaving the room, whispering or hiding the computer screen etc). This is a natural behavioral attempt to conceal the act of adultery. It is important to appreciate that although the instinctive reaction of an adulterous partner is to conceal any wrong doing, there will always be behavioral and
physical signs that expose them.
Marriage counseling assists recovery from infidelity
Forgiveness in marriage counseling is facilitated by an experienced marriage counselor to help with the recovery process, and is achieved through the promotion of open and honest dialogues. However, forgiveness is only possible if the adulterous partner is willing to make some lifestyle changes to address the root cause of why the affair took place in the first place. These include, paying specific attention to external pressures that lead to feelings of stress and anxiety. Stress not only leads to behavioural abnormalities but has also been shown to affect the vitality and sex drive. It is therefore important to ascertain the origins of the stress and address it. Research has shown that there is an increase in the testosterone
levels of an individual when in a prolonged aggressive state of mind. This aggression is often encouraged in a work environment to ensure success. However this increase in the testosterone levels also increases the sexual drive, which often results in adultery. In addition to addressing any external factors, it is also important to consider the habitual behaviors as well. As a monotonous lifestyle will also ultimately lead to boredom and a sensation of being trapped. This will then ultimately result in behavioural rebellion, which often exhibits itself in the form of an affair. However these types of affair tend to be regular but short lived, as they are induced by the thrill of the chase rather than the individuals need for sexual gratification. Another rationale for adultery is that couples do not tend to spend quality time together. It is vital
to nurture a relationship through an emotional bond created by feelings of intimacy and love.
Once the lifestyle changes are addressed, the ground is then set for the process of forgiveness to commence. It is important to once again point out that although people can forgive, it is not realistic to expect them to ever forget. If the lifestyle changes have been made but forgiveness is not forthcoming then the partner who had the affair will eventually form a pessimistic view of deliverance, which results in a regression of behavior or the termination of the relationship. It will initially feel like its impossible to forgive an adulterous partner, but there are steps that can help. The first step is to indoctrinate a positive perspective on an otherwise a doomed relationship. To do this the couple must make detailed notes of any joyous occasions that resulted in feelings of mutual emotional intimacy. Once this is done, the spouse should feel more open to the concept of forgiveness. But forgiveness must also be supported by the reassurance that the betrayal will not reoccur,
which can be achieved by agreeing measures that ensure prevention. It is important to be fair and realistic when setting these preventative measures, as they must be achievable by both partners. As part of this recovery process, the spouse who feels betrayed must also seek professional help in the recuperation of a debilitated self-esteem.
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