In marriage counseling listening is a skill that is encouraged by the marriage counselor to promote a positive dialogue between the couple. Marriage counseling sessions are often structured specifically to encourage active listening, however, this is not an easy skill to master.
An experienced marriage counselor recognises that the natural response when experiencing negative emotions, such as anger and resentment, is to direct them in a retaliatory way at the person responsible. However this instinctive behavior makes it difficult for a couple faced with relationship crisis to remain calm and objective, which then makes it extremely difficult to listen to what the other partner has to say. The difficulty with mastering the art of listening is that as children we are conditioned to focus more on communicating our wants and needs than to other people may be feeling or thinking. It is only as we get older that we start to consider other people's perspective on life, and consequently start to develop out listening skills. A good listener has the ability to inspire a speaker with feelings of openness, which then results in further monologue that exposes any deep-seated emotional feelings. It is for this reason that marriage counseling sessions rely on listening skills to
achieve reconciliation.
Marriage counseling and Listening skills
Marriage counseling promotes listening by inciting each partner to speak without reservation or interruption. Once a partner starts to speak, the marriage counselor encourages the other partner to focus on listening and comprehending what is being relayed or implied. Understanding what is being communicated is vital in preventing what marriage counselors refer to as Selective Hearing (also known as Selective Listening). Selective Hearing is when a partner is not actually paying attention to what is being said, and therefore resort to extrapolation
based on limited hearing, past experience and conjecture to determine what is perceived as being relayed. Selective Hearing is extremely antagonistic to the speaker, as it elicits feelings of hostility borne by an implied inferiority. The irony of Selective Hearing is that it also causes feelings of frustration in the person not paying attention, instigated by the repetition of what is perceived as already understood. This frustration only escalates the hostility felt by an already volatile interaction. It is important to recognise that the key to successful listening is focusing on the message being conveyed.
Marriage counseling also advocates the importance of being comfortable with silences. Silence is a tool commonly used by a marriage counselor to encourage people to communicate feelings and thoughts more openly. The psychology behind this is based on the principal that people are generally uncomfortable with silences, and will compensate by talking. When using silence to actively encourage a monologue, it is important to maintain eye contact to show undivided attention, and also refrain from interruptions of any kind (either verbally or by gesture). This is an easy technique for an experienced marriage counselor to exercise however a partner overwhelmed by feelings of hostility is
going to find this hard to do. A retaliatory behavior is an instinctive reaction when feeling hurt by someone, but this behavior will only serve to escalate negative emotions such as anger and hostility. The silence will almost always result in a reciprocation of mutual respect and uninterrupted dialogue between the couple. Although silence is a great way of encouraging a constructive monologue, it must be accompanied with timely feedback and cues to show that the partner is paying attention to what is being communicated. Silence without the timely feedback could be misconstrued as not paying attention. The feedbacks should ideally be in the form of meaningful comments and questions, while the cues should be subtle and in the form of gestures and body language. Also, it is important that when listening one should resist the urge to use anecdotes from ones own personal life. To do so will result in the focus being drawn away from the partner attempting to
convey deep-seated feelings, thoughts and emotions.
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